!! Enjoy !!

A middle aged woman has a heart attack. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. She sees God, and asks if this is it.God says no, that she has another 30-40 years to live. She recovers, and decides to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, tummy tuck, hair dyed, etc.

She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and immediately gets hit by an ambulance.

She arrives in front of God and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30 or 40 years?" To which God replies, "To tell you the truth, I didn't recognize you."

A brunette goes to the doctor and as she touches every part of her body with her finger she says, "Doctor it hurts everywhere. My leg hurts, my arm hurts, my neck hurts, and even my head hurts!"

The doctor asks, "Where you ever a Blonde?"

"Yes I was." she replies. "why do you ask?"

The doctor answers, "because your finger is broken!"

If You Can...

Then, my friend, you are almost as good as your dog.

Bootcamp Troubleshooting...

One of Microsoft Network's finest support techs was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and a few bullets. He loaded the rifle and fired several shots at the target.

The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off -- whereupon he yelled toward the target area:

"It's leaving here just fine; the trouble must be at your end!"

Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
A: Because they have big fingers.

Y2K PROBLEM?

January 1, 2000

Dear Valued Employee:
Re: Vacation Pay

Our records indicate you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off. One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service. Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay check will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.

Sincerely,

Automated Payroll Processing

One day a man came home from work exhausted. He stepped over the threshold of his door, and suddenly a voice said, "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money and go to Vegas!" He was very startled. At first he thought he was going crazy, but then decided it was just from stress. Anyway, for months and months, every day when he came home from work the voice said, "Quit your job, sell your house take all your money and go to Vegas!"

Finally, he couldn't take it any longer. So...he quit his job, sold his house took all his money and went to Vegas. When he got there the voice said, "Get in a cab and go to Caesar's Palace" He was through resisting; so he got in a cab and went to Caesar's Palace. When he arrived the voice said, "Now go to the roulette wheel and bet ALL your money on Red, 20." So he did as he was told, and as the guy spun the wheel he said, "Good luck, buddy," and the ball went around, around, and slowly stopped on.......Red.................11.

And the voice said, "DARN!!"

True Story

My friend is a rather old-fashioned lady. Always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language. She and her husband were planning a week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground and asked for a reservation.

She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term "bathroom commode". But when she wrote that down she felt that she was being to forward. So she started all over, rewrote the whole entire letter, and referred to the bathroom commode merely as the B.C.. "Does the campground have its own B.C.?" is what she finally wrote.

Well, the campground owner wasn't old fashioned at all, and he couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That B.C. business really stumped him. After worrying about it for awhile, he showed the letter to several campers, but no one could figure out what she meant either. So the campground owner , finally coming to the conclusion that the lady was talking about the location of the Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:

"Dear Madam,

I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure of informing you that the B.C. is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt that a great number of people take their lunches and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. I you don't start early you might not make it in time. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded that we had to stand the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They're going to hold it in the basement of the B.C.. I would like to say it pains me very much not being able to go more often, but it surely is no lack of desire on my part. As we get older particularly in cold weather, it gets harder to go. If you decide to come down o our campground, perhaps I could go with you for the first time, sit with you, and introduce you to all the folks.

"Remember, this is a friendly community!"

There are two rules for ultimate success in life. Rule #1 is, "Never divulge everything you know", and Rule #2 is, well...

Real Signs

Maternity Clothes Shop: "We are open on labor day"

Nonsmoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action"

On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."

Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

Scientist's Door: "Gone Fission"

Taxidermist Window: "We really know our stuff"

Podiatrist's Window: "Time wounds all heels"

Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs" ~and~ "Pleased to meat you"

Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition"

Sign on Fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive"

Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment"

Sign on California freeway: "All in favor of conserving gasoline please raise your right foot."

Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people"

Auto Body Shop: "May we have the next dents?"

Dry Cleaners: "Drop your pants here"

Sign In An Office: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."

Veterinarian's Waiting Room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

Music Teacher's Door: "Out Chopin" and "Bach in a minuet"

At the Electric Company: "We would be 'delighted' if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"

Garbage Truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got"

Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte"

Restaurant Window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."

Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."

Cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."

Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."

On Maternity Room Door: "Push, Push, Push"

A man was sending his girlfriend an email while working on his laptop, traveling from Wisconsin to Louisiana.

In his haste, he typed one letter wrong in her email address and the message ended up being sent to a Pastor's wife who had just lost her husband and buried him that same day.

Checking her email that evening, the Pastor's wife read the message and promptly fainted!

The message read:

"Hi Honey, Arrived safely but boy, it's sure hot down here!"

A young couple were on their way to be married when they were killed in a traffic accident. When they got to the Pearly Gates they told St. Peter that if it was possible they still wanted to get married. St. Peter thought for a while and told them he would check on it. A month went by and they asked St. Peter again about getting married. "Still working on it" he said. Two more months went by and once more they asked. "Working on it" came the reply. Finally after six months St. Peter approached them and proudly stated they could get married that very day.

A month later all was well, the couple was enjoying married life to the fullest. Two months later things were not going so well. Three months later they hated each other.

"We want a divorce" they announced to St. Peter.

"What!" St. Peter exclaimed. "It took me six months to find a preacher; do you have any idea how long it's going to take me to find a lawyer!"

JOCKS ANONYMOUS!

(Yep, they really said this stuff. . .)

"You guys line up alphabetically by height."
~ Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach.

"I've won at every level, except college and pro."
~ Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships.

"He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
~Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins.

"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
~ New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season.

"I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?" He said, " 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.' "
~ Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player.

"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."
~ Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice.

Ponderables:

1. Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.

2. Thousands of years ago, cats were worshiped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.

3. The only gracious way to accept an insult is to ignore it. If you can't ignore it, top it. If you can't top it, laugh at it. If you can't laugh at it, it's probably deserved.

Comprehending Engineers-Take Four

A person is flying a hot air balloon and realizes she is lost. She reduces height and spots a person down below. She lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me. Can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The person below says, "Yes, you are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees North latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees West longitude."

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.

"I am," replies the person. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

The person below says, "You must be a manager."

"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," says the person below, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.

When the case came before the court, the young man was as asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was:

When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming Soon The Gold Dust Twins", then she moved under one that read "Sloans Liniments remove Swelling". I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read "William Stick Did The Trick". Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident."

He won the case.

New

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled.

A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.

"May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "Fuck you."

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was canceled and people were late, they were no longer angry at United.

New

There once was a woman whose husband drank quite a lot. One day she decided she would dress in a devil costume and wait for him by the door.

Well he came home drunk as usual and as he reached for the door knob, she jerked the door open and shouted " If you don't quit drinking I will take you to hell."

Well the drunk was quite taken, but took a good look and replied "You don't scare me I am married to your sister"

New

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall for the first time. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his father, "What is this Father?" The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I do not know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The shiny, silver walls opened and the old lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of light with numbers on the wall light up. Then they watched as the circles lit up in reverse order.

The walls opened up again, and a beautiful young woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."

New

A man was driving home late at night. He was also driving above the speed limit. He noticed a police car [with its lights whirling] in his rear view mirror. He says to himself, "I can outrun this guy." He floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy sighs aloud and gives up. He pulls over to the curb.

The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says, "Listen, mister. I've had a really lousy day and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."

The man thought for a moment and said, "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!"

The officer let him go.