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Ad Bloopers
From "American Demographics" magazine
Here is a look at how shrewd American business people translate their slogans into foreign languages:
When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery, "Fly in Leather," it came out in Spanish as "Fly Naked."
Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."
Chicken magnate Frank Perdue's line, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," sounds much more interesting in Spanish: "It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate."
When Vicks first introduce its cough drops on the German market, they were chagrined to learn that the German pronunciation of "v" is f - which in German is the guttural equivalent of "sexual penetration."
Not to be outdone, Puffs tissues tried later to introduce its product, only to learn that "Puff" in German is a colloquial term for a whorehouse.
The Chevy Nova never sold well in Spanish speaking countries. "No Va" means "It Does Not Go" in Spanish.
When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back, they translated their slogan, "Pepsi Brings You Back to Life" pretty literally. The slogan in Chinese really meant, "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the Grave."
When Coca-Cola first shipped to China, they named the product something that when pronounced sounded like "Coca-Cola." The only problem was that the characters used meant "Bite The Wax Tadpole." They later changed to a set of characters that mean "Happiness In The Mouth."
A hair products company, Clairol, introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that mist is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the manure stick.
When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as here in the USA - with the cute baby on the label. Later they found out that in Africa companies routinely put pictures on the label of what is inside since most people can not read.
Classified Ad Blunders
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.
Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul, fresh vegetables, salads, quiche.
7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings.
Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.
Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Save regularly in our bank. You'll never regret it.
We build bodies that last a lifetime.
This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens.
For Sale--Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
Actual Announcements From Church
1. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
2. Tuesday at 4:00 P.M. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk, please come early.
3. Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing, "Put me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
4. Thursday at 5:00 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.
5. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Smith to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
6. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
7. On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the expenses of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet, please come forward and get a piece of paper at the end of the service.
8. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
9. A bean supper will be held Saturday evening in the church basement.
Music will follow.
10. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Bleser, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Delser.
Court Room Bloopers
Disorder in the Court: a Collection of 'Transquips'
by Richard Lederer
Most language is spoken language, and most words, once they are uttered, vanish forever into the air. But such is not the case with language spoken during courtroom trials, for there exists an army of courtroom reporters whose job it is to take down and preserve every statement made during the proceedings.
Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National shorthand Reporter has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in two books - Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court, published a few months ago. From Mrs. Gilman's two volumes, here are some of my favorite transquips, all recorded by America's keepers of the word:
Q: What is your brother-in-law's name?
A: Borofkin.
Q: What's his first name?
A: I can't remember.
Q: He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?
A: No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!
Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A: I refuse to answer that question.
Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A: I refuse to answer that question.
Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A: No.
Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Ms, were you cited in the accident?
A: Yes Sir, I was so 'cited I peed all over myself!!
Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
Q: What is your name?
A: Ernestine McDowell.
Q: And what is your marital status?
A: Fair.
Q: Are you married?
A: No, I'm divorced.
Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A: A lot of things I didn't know about.
Q: And who is this person you are speaking of?
A: My ex-widow said it.
Q: How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A: Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.
Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A: I will be three months November 8th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?
Q: Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A: I should be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
A: Four times.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
Q: Were you acquainted with the defendant?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: Before or after he died?
Q: Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A: Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?
A: No.
Q: Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information from your minds, if you have any.
Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A: No.
Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A: Picking them up in the air.
Q: Where was the dog at this time?
A: Attached to the ears.
Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
Q: And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.?What school do you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: How old are you?
A: Oral.
Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?
Q: ...and what did he do then?
A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
A: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q: It was covered?
A: Yes, bandaged.
Q: Then, later on.. what did you see?
A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.
Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.
Q: What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch- and she did!
Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?
A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
Q: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A: The victim lived.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.
Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased,objective witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the whole ordeal?
A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the ordeal and the naval.
Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A: It indicates intercourse.
Q: Male sperm?
A: That is the only kind I know.
Q: (Showing man picture.) That's you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
A: I have only one, you know.
Headline Bloopers
From Richard Lederer's [Anguished English: An Anthology of Accidental Assaults Upon Our Language]
GRANDMOTHER OF EIGHT MAKES HOLE IN ONE
TWO CONVICTS EVADE NOOESE; JURY HUNG
DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE
FARMER BILL DIES IN HOUSE
IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS
PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO POPE
ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AX
HITLER, NAZI PAPERS FOUND IN ATTIC
2 SISTERS REUNITED AFTER 18 YEARS IN CHECKOUT COUNTER
and my favorite...
BRITISH LEFT WAFFLES ON FALKLAND ISLANDS
plus one I found in a 1944 issue of the [Homestead [PA] Daily Messenger]...
STUDENTS HEAR REPTILE LECUTRE
Compendium of JustPlainSilly Newspaper Headlines
Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
Safety Experts say school bus passengers should be belted
Survivor of siamese twins joins parents
Farmer Bill dies in house
Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
Stud tires out
Panda mating fails; Veterinarian takes over
Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
Lung cancer in women mushrooms
Eye drops off shelf
Teacher strikes idle kids
Reagan wins on budget, but more lies ahead
Squad helps dog bite victim
Shot off woman's leg helps nicklaus to 66
Plane too close to ground, crash probe told
Miners refuse to work after death
Juvenile court to try shooting defendant
Stolen painting found by tree
Two soviet ships collide, one dies
Killer sentenced to die for second time in 10 years
Never withhold herpes infection from loved one
Drunken drivers paid $1000 in '84
War dims hope for peace
If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last a while
Cold wave linked to temperatures
Man is fatally slain
Enfiels couple slain; Police suspect homicide
Something went wrong in jet crash, experts says
Bridgewater, NJ "Courier-News"
CONDOM FAULTS COULD LEAD TO DATING POLICY
Charleston, SC "Evening Post"
S.C. SENATE OKs MARITAL RAPE
Minneanapolis, Mn "Star Tribune"
SEVERAL VIKINGS HIT WITH INTESTINAL INFECTION; MORE COLOR PHOTOS, PAGE 14C
Edmonton, Alberta
HIROHITO'S BODY MOVED
Pasadena, Ca "Star News"
CRITICS SAY COUNTY MENTAL HEALTH NEAR COLLAPSE
London "Daily Telegraph
DEAD CATS PROTEST
Des Moins, Ia "Register"
LORD TO ADVISE QUAYLE
Honolulu, Hi "Downtown Planet"
GRAMMER HOTLINE AVAILABLE
Knoxville, Tn "News-Sentinel"
ACTOR SENT TO JAIL FOR NOT FINISHING SENTENCE
El Paso, Tx "Times"
STATE: SEX WITH MINOR WORTH FELONY CHARGE
New York, NY "Wall Street Journal"
REST OF THE YEAR MAY NOT FOLLOW JANUARY
Foreign Signs
From an Air France bulletin, dated December 1, 1989
Here are some signs and notices written in English that were discovered throughout the world. You have to give the writers an 'E' for Effort. We hope you enjoy them. :-)
In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing is please not to read notis.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetary where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corriders during the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
Outside a Hong Kong tailer shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Bangkok dry cleaners:
Drop your trousers here for best results.
Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.
In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
From the Soviet Weekly:
There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 150,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
In a Czechoslovakin tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?
In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today -- no ice cream.
In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor:
* Specialist in women and other diseases. *
;-)
In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
Two signs from a Mojorcan shop entrance:
- English well speaking
- Here speeching American.
Heard one day at a local Walmart outlet:
Some lady in front of her in the check-out line forgot an item and asks the checker if someone can get "it" for her:
Lady: I forgot some Tampax, can someone get it for me?
Checker: (over the loud speaker in the store) Can someone bring some Tampax to register x?
(People start laughing in the store ....)
Someone: (didn't quite hear the message right,
thinks the checker said "some tacks," and yells over the speaker)
DO YOU WANT THE ONES YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE ONES YOU HIT IN WITH A HAMMER?!?!?
(laughter breaks into a deafening roar ....)
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