M I L I T A R Y     H U M O U R

LOST PILOT

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?" Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base.

They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Las Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel.

The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Las Vegas was that-a-way on such- and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane ... only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

AIR FORCE LEVITY

"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some actual squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
(P)=PROBLEM (S)=SOLUTION

• (P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement (S) Almost replaced left inside main tire
• (P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough (S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft
• (P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid (S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage
• (P) Something loose in cockpit (S) Something tightened in cockpit
• (P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear (S) Evidence removed
• (P) DME volume unbelievably loud (S) Volume set to more believable level
• (P) Dead bugs on windshield (S) Live bugs on order
• (P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent (S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground
• (P) IFF inoperative (S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode
• (P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick (S) That's what they're there for
• (P) Number three engine missing (S) Engine found on right wing after brief search
• (P) Aircraft handles funny (S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious
• (P) Target Radar hums (S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics
• (P) Noise behind left panels, Sounds like a little man with hammer (S) Took hammer from little man.

BAR ANTICS

An Airforce man, an Army man and a Marine are in a bar. The Army man gets frisky and throws his beer bottle into the air, takes his M-16, shouts "I'm all I can be" and shoots the bottle. The Marine see's the Army grunt, throws his beer bottle into the air, takes his M-16, screams "I'm the few, and the proud", and shoots his bottle. The Air Force gentleman see's what the two next to him have done, throws his bottle into the air, takes his M-16, shoots both the Army guy and the Marine and yells "It doesn't get any better than this".

INDIAN AIR FORCE

Pakistan just got their new Chinese fighter planes and sent a squadron of pilots there for training. "Ok, this one is easy to fly", said the Chinese trainer, "even you fools should be able to operate it! You press this button to go up, this one to go left and this one for turning right!" "But how do we come down?" asked Capt. Arfath Pasha. "Oh," said the Chinese "leave that to the Indian Air Force!"

ACADEMIC FLIGHT RULES

• Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
• If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
• Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
• It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
• The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
• The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
• When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
• A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
• Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
• The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. The larger the angle of arrival, the smaller the probability of survival and vice versa.
• Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
• Stay out of louds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
• Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of takeoffs you've made.
• There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
• You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
• If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is a commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
• In the ongoing battle between objects made out of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
• Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from poor judgment.
• Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
• Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
• The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.
• There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old bold pilots.

TURBULENT TIMES

After a particularly rough flight, the airliner pilot addresses his passengers: "The turbulance we passed through was rough, but we are through it now." The pilot was unaware that his PA switch was stuck on, and leaned over to the co-pilot and said "Boy, was that rough! What I need now is a hot woman and a cold beer." A flight attendant in the rear of the aircraft heard this, and ran forward to warn the pilot. As she neared the cockpit, an elderly woman passenger stopped her saying "Don't forget the beer!"

CLOSE CALL

A report has revealed that two traffic patrol officers from North Berwick, Scotland were involved in an unusual incident whilst checking for speeding motorists on the A1 road between Oldhamstocks and Grantshouse. Last May, they were using a hand-held radar device to trap unwary motorists on the Edinburgh to London trunk road. One of the unnamed officers used the device to check the speed of an approaching vehicle, and was surprised to find that his target had registered a speed in excess of 300 miles per hour. The ?5000 machine then seized up and could not be re-set by the bemused policemen.

The radar had in fact latched on to a NATO Tornado aircraft in the North Sea, which was taking part in a simulated low-flying exercise over the Borders and Southern Scotland. Following a complaint by Sir William Sutherland, Chief Constable of the Lothian & Borders Police force to the RAF liaison office, it was revealed that the officers had a lucky escape - the tactical computer on board the aircraft not only detected and jammed the "hostile" radar equipment, but had automatically armed a Sidewinder air-to-ground missile ready to neutralise the perceived threat.

Luckily the Dutch pilot was alerted to the missile status and was able to override the automatic protection system before the missile launched. The Police have so far declined to comment, although it is understood that officers will be advised to point their radar guns inland in future.

GOTTCHA

One fine and glorious morning, Capt. Heavy about to enjoy his days off, leans over his bed and kisses his wife on the cheek. Slapping her firmly on the bottom, he says "I'm off to the Links to play 9 holes." "Promise me you'll only play 9!" she demands. "Absolutely, my love." he assures her.

Meeting up with his mates at the local course they head out to the first tee. Just past midday our golfers show up at the clubhouse for a few pints. Things get a little carried away and after a couple of beers this gaggle of buxom young ladies turn up .

As luck would have it, our Captain hits it off with this young, blonde-haired, blue-eyed sweetheart and before you know it she's inviting him back to her place for some snoggin'. A wild and passionate afternoon unfolds and they eventually fall asleep in one another's arms. Later, he jumps out of bed and looks at his watch. "Oh my GAWD!!! It's four thirty!!!" "Gotta run love" he tells her and shoots out the door struggling to get dressed.

Driving home, he can't quite come up with a believable story' for his wife. "What am I going to tell her?" he asks himself. "Stuff it. We've been married to long for stories. I'll just tell her the truth and hope she understands." Shooting through the front door, his wife immediately demands, "Where have you been?" "Sweetheart, I think you should sit down. At first I thought I'd just make something up but we've been together so long I've decided to simply tell you straight out what happened." "I'm listening" she says. "Well, I met up with the boys for 9 holes and we finished just after midday. After that we went into the clubhouse for a couple of beers where I met this gorgeous young blonde who invited me back to her place for a wild afternoon of lovemaking. After which we fell asleep. It wasn't till late in the day I awoke and realized the time. I'm soooooo sorry my darling. Can you ever forgive me?"

She sat back in her chair and looked him straight in the eye and said, "You lying bastard. You played 18 holes. Didn't you?"

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.

One for our boys

A few years ago an Indian "Kilo" class submarine secretly tailed the American aircraft carrier, USS Enterprise in the Indian Ocean. The Russian built "Kilo" class submarines are codenamed "The Black Hole" because of their stealth and low radar signature. The Americans were totally unaware of its presence even though they were closely followed for a considerable distance. Later an American Officer remarked that the Indian commander of the submarine must have recieved the "Order of Gandhi" for getting 6x4 closeup photographs of the carriers rear.

PILOT TO PILOT

A young guy in a F-14 fighter was flying escort for a B-52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a hot-dog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The hot-dog came over the air, "Anything you can do, I can do better."

The veteran bomber pilot answered "Try this hotshot". The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level. Perplexed the hot-dog asked, "So? What did you do?" "I just shut down two engines, kid!!"

A couple of TAC pilots were flying F-102's in escort with a B-36 bomber and were chinning with the pilot of the bomber to pass the time. Talk fell to the subject of the relative merits of their respective aircraft with the fighter pilots holding that their planes made for more interes- ting flying because of the manueverability, acceleration and the like. The B-36 pilot replied "Yeh? Well this old girl can do a few tricks you guys can't even touch."

Naturally, he was challenged to demonstrate. "Watch," he tells them. After several minutes the bomber pilot returns to the air and says, "There! How was that?" Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots say, "What are talking about?" Reply, "Well, I went for a little stroll, got a cup of coffee and went downstairs for a chat with the navigator."